Someday

Everyone will tell you-
you just aren't
good enough,

someday,
the sun just won't come
up in the morning.

someday, superman will die.
someday, Antarctica will melt.
someday, an education will be impossible to get.
someday, there will be a third world war.

our children, and our children's children
will watch it all continue to happen.

but nobody will know-
that what i feel inside-
is just what they're watching
the world do.

-rachelleeashlee<3.

Seasons Changing

dark turns rich color brown
through the summer as the sun goes down
it comes time for leaves to fall
soon enough, nothing to sing at all.
summer, autumn, spring,
the winter winds sing
whispering to me
how they truly love me.

-rachelleeashlee<3.

i am Renate Wolff.

another assignment, this one i was given information about a child in the holocaust and i was to write a poem from her perspective. this childs name was Renate Wolff.

i am a prisoner.
i hear gun shots and screams.
i see walking dead, it seems.
i say nothing, because there are no words left.
i cry, because i want to fly with the birds.
i am nobody to them.

i am surviving slowly.
i want to go home with my family.
i need a place to pray.
i hope ill be free someday.
i fear i will not see
i am wishing to be set free.

i am one of the few alive.
i feel i may actually survive.
i try to find a way out.
i wonder if ill ever find that route.
i dream of blue skies outside these gates.
i am a victim
of fate.

-rachelleeashlee<3.

Grief.

How I envy those poets and authors.
to toss words into the air
and have them fall in perfect order.
why is it so easy to pour out my grief in a poem,
and so difficult to capture my joy in print?
joy exist in a fleeting moment,
grief lasts forever.
it takes one to feel grief,
two to feel joy.
my joy has already been shared and thus multiplied.
my grief till now has been private.
alone in the dark my grief mushrooms.
i need to find a friend to halve the burden.
will you be that friend?

-rachelleeashlee<3.

"Looking Back and Looking Forward"

This was also an assignment, just before graduating middle school. (Mesa Verde is the middle school I attended.)Going through middle school was tough, and its weird looking back thinking I went into with mom and coming out of it without.

i remember my first year at Mesa Verde.
seeing a new face,
feeling a new path to chase.
"welcome to middle school," they shout,
and i taste the fear of a beginning of a brand new route.
the smell of a whole new world that day,
i remember my first day at mesa verde.

i remember 8th grade at mesa verde.
seeing it all for my final time,
feeling the desks that are no longer mine.they say their goodbyes,
as i taste salty tears rolling from my eyes.
the smell of my middle school world going away,
i remember 8th grade at mesa verde.

i look forward to high school.
hoping everything will be okay,
yet fearing i'll dread every single day.
i wonder where this road will take me.
i will never really be free.
with my friends, ill only keep the true,
i look forward to high school.

-rachelleeashlee<3.

Death by Love

This one was actually an assignment for my English class, we had to write prepositional poetry.

since the day she was born,
within, her heart was already torn.
behind her eyes hides pain.
beyond that, there is only rain.

but somehow she manages,
among all the bandages.
in this life, she still lives.
beside herself-to others-she still gives.

until that night,
during which she gave up the fight.
before she made her final sound,
near her hearts last pound,
with his burning picture in her hand,
beneath her, her legs tried to stand.

about to die,
for she knew she had to try,
between her whimpers,
out she whispers,

"I loved you. So fucking much..."

-rachelleeashlee<3.

Like Raindrops.

These words drip like raindrops
falling from the winter sky. each one
heavier than the last, calling to each other
from afar. getting closer to becoming
part of the past, words hurt , i know
thats true. but look up, someday
the sky will be blue.

_______________________________

my tears drip like raindrops, pounding against
my window. each one heavier than the last, forming
a puddle down below, every drop becoming
part of my past. it hurts even though its
true, but look up. maybe the sky
will finally fall to you.

-rachelleeashlee<3.

Running.

im running away from tomorrow and today,
my mind is full of sorrow and my thoughts gone astray

there's a birdie at the window singing today.
hopefully raindrops will moisten my skin today.

i see blooming yellow roses today.
bring them along, until they decay.

the scent of smoke fills my room today,
soon, i'll be away from that damn ashtray.

blueberry muffins touch my tongue today,
a simple taste i can never replay.

i ran away from tomorrow and today,
and nothing will ever be the same.

-rachelleeashlee<3.

Happy Mothers' Day

This poem I wrote for Mothers Day, and it was published in the newspaper[:

Happy Mothers Day
to all the moms in town,
and to the ones who are no longer around.
Even though her bodies in the ground,
My mommy is in heaven now.
I remember the day that she passed away,
and that night,
when nothing seemed to be all right.
I remember her will power,
which, I swear,
she had until her final hour.
Though she's always on my mind,
It's as though i'm blind.
You're still around,
Though, you can't make a sound.
I will, 'Forever and a Day,'
continue to pray
for you to have
a Happy Mothers Day.

-rachelleeashlee<3.

The 1st of quite a few pieces I will be adding tonight.

So, I was looking through my backpack from last year and I found a bunch of drawings and writing pieces, so i'm adding the writing. this is first.

When everything is gone,and all we love leaves us..
When the clouds permanently cover the sun,and the Earth stays cold.. Yeah. That will be the day that they will finally know how i feel.
-finally.


-rachelleeashlee<3.  

My life.

Because, More than likely nobody will read this because none of my "friends" even know I have this(in a way, i like it like that.), and writing it out for the first time in a while may help, and also because I can't sleep due to the shit-bomb in my mind, This is my story. pardon my grammar and such. I get lazy.

Mommy, I love you. "Forever && a day."


I was born into a family of my brother, Jordan, who is 6 years older than me, My father, and my beautiful mommy, 2 dogs, German shepards; Buddy and Chopper, and a stupid 20 year old cat named Spatz. Before I was born, momma miscarried 7 times. i was.."miracle" baby. momma was often having surgery and such for she had therasic outlet syndrome and carpool tunnel and such. i guess they were angry a lot, because i do have scars from my parents. and i remember the bruises i recieved. maybe i just wasnt a good kid. i grew to really dislike the beatings, and i was a timid child. i started singing the moment i could talk, and it made momma proud, and i also loved it. my life didnt change much until i was about 8. thats really when my story begins.

My story begins at 8 years of age. When momma was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. i remember that night momma and father sitting by my bed reading me a bedtime story.. "Our Mommy Has Cancer." in the end of the book, the sisters mommy was cured, and it was the typical happy ending. i was young, i thought story-book happy endings actually happened. i know better now.

momma had a double mastectomy, but it turned out the cancer had spread to her chest wall. so they removed 40% of her chest wall. after many months of treatments, she went into remission. I was so excited! i thought this would last. 42 days later, she relapsed. and it was worse than before.

I remember seeing momma in the hospital more than at home, looking back. I was about 10 when dad told us it was incurable. I was terrified.

all they could do was continue treatments. Chemo, radiation, gamma knife, all that fun stuff. i went to every doctors, even if it meant missing school. i wouldnt leave mommys side. then, one day at one of her chemo treatments, she was sharing a room with this guy who was about a year and a half older than me. His name was Travis. and he had leukemia. but, we fell in love. first love, young love..true love. he was the sweetest guy ever. he was perfect. and he made me feel that i was perfect as well.

but of course, just as realities go, along with no happy endings, something will always go wring with a prince charming. a year and a half into our relationship, Travis lost his battle to cancer. My boyfriend, my love, my whole heart had just left the planet. it shook something inside me, and i knew mommy was sure to follow. (This is the part where i start crying as i type this.)

momma did seem to only get worse and worse after the burial of Travis. and so i did everything i could to be with her as much as possible. i literally went one whole week straight sleepless just sitting by the hospital bed downstairs at the house holding her cold, barely alive hands.

dad was hardly ever home. if he was, i was usually the one he took his rage out on. and Jordan had hit his rebellious stage. i felt like i was the only one that hadn't left her. i gave her all her meds, and everything else.

around this time, we had to put Chopper to sleep. more heartache.

September 2nd, 2007.
momma the worst i'd seen her. the oxygen machine wasn't helping, nothing was. i had to call 911. i still remember standing on top of the stairs watching them pull her out, and with the little life she had left in her, wave goodbye to me. i also remember chasing the ambulance halfway down the street.

i was starting 6th grade, so i went to school the next day. that night, we went to see momma in the hospital. we weren't alone, my dads family and some of my moms friends were also there. mom was on life support and all that. and i was scared. so, i didnt go in the hospital room. (this is the biggest regret i have. and i only have 2 regrets in my life.) i was too fucking chicken to just go in the damn room. i remember sitting in the hallway across from the room at the hospital, looking in the room. i couldnt see her, but i could see the family and friends. of course, my strong momma was still making everybody else laugh, even in her position.

september 4th, 2007.
6th grade had started. it was a tuesday, and i had English first period. i remember i was writing down my homework in my agenda book, and i froze. i spaced out at the paper in front of me.i swear to God, i heard a whisper in my head, "Goodbye, I Love You." and i started to shake, but i tried to stay calm. i hear my name being called from the front of the room. it was my teacher, Mrs. Guyett, "Rachelle? You're being checked out. Here's you're worksheet. Get your stuff and go to the office." I looked over at my friend Miranda as i closed my agenda book. she gave me a look like.. whats going on? i just gave her kind of a sad look, and she knew just as well as i did what was going on. i didnt want to be sure yet, though.

i get to the front office and Jordan is standing there with my auntie Char.. i get in her car, and i felt it. she was being nicer than usual, and i could feel in her voice she was holding in tears. I was in the back seat on the passangers side. and my phone buzzed. i looked at it, it was my auntie Chris, "Are you home yet? You okay, love?" i replied, "What's going on?" she told me to call her after i talked to dad. finally at home, and dads waiting inside the front door. he took my phone and my backpack, and said, "There's no easy way to say this. You're mother... Dixie... passed away this morning." Right as i busted out crying, through his weak, wobbley voice, i heard, "I'm so sorry." i wanted to run, God how i just wanted to run as far as i possibly could. but i fell  onto auntie Chars shoulder. and i felt terrible. we were all crying, except Jordan, which I will never undertstand.

about half an hour later, I got a call from Miranda and a bunch of my other friends were listening in on the call. She asked what happened, and I couldn't say it. I tried to imply it, but they didn't get it. i busted out, "She's gone, okay?! My mother just fucking DIED." everybody in the room just stared at me, and i felt as if i over-dramatized it. i ran to my room. but not long later, so many of our closest friends and family who had done fundraisers and everything for us came over to comfort us. and it made me feel better. like i wasnt alone.

my mom was always the one to make people laugh through their tears. one of our good friends, Justin, had gone outside because he got a phone call. he closed the front door, and nobody had touched it. the door was unlocked, but it wouldnt open. i heard commotion from my room, so i went to the stairs to look. none of the doors would open, even though they were unlocked.we all knew it was momma. and so we laughed.

my dad gave me and Jordan the option to stay home from school the rest of the week or not. i wanted to be strong and go. Jordan stayed home. that night, i felt uncomfortable alone in my room. so i went to sleep with dad. we talked and told stories until about 2am.he had been a smoker for years. and he got up for a cigarette, and said "I promise, this weekend I'm quitting." I was hopeful.

school was obviously hard, but the funeral two days later was the worst. at the ceremony, people went up and told their stories and such. i didnt hear a word. i was concentrated on the casket at the front of the room. staring.. i couldn't believe momma was in that wooden box. i hated it. but i didnt cry then. outside, at the burial  site at Mount Sinai cemetery, she had the perfect, most beautiful spot. when i put the first three shovels of dirt in the 6 foot hole is when i began to cry. i put two shovels in and i stopped, i looked around, and saw over 400 people standing around me. i couldnt believe how many lives my mommy had touched. and so i put the third shovel in with honor and pride of being her daughter.

after that, Jordan had started his coping method with drugs. so he was in and out of jail. and dad wasnt around much. i pretty much lived with my friend Amanda. i had heard that my dad might have been cheating on my mom, and dad also hadnt kept his promise, so nows about when the hate towards him came back.

around now is when we had to put Buddy to sleep.</3.

i had to find some way to cope, too, of course. i ended up turning to men, i believe because every love and every guy in my life so far proved to me that with every Hello comes a Goodbye. (now is about the time i start to feel uncomfortable with my words, because its fairly new to me to speak of what comes soon.)

i met this one guy, whos name i will not say. but, he told me he could make everything all better again, as long as i did what he said. i was stupid enough to believe it. he started making me send him stuff and do things for him. he threatened me and blackmailed me and abused me. finally after months of this, i told one friend. this friend knew him. so she called him and told him if he doesnt stop she will call the cops on him and she will press charges. so he stopped.. for about a month.of course he came back to me when he knew i needed someone. he started pressuring me to go see him again. eventually i gave in.

i go to his house. and he kissed me. softly at first, but getting more violent. then he starts to use his hands. he pushes me against the wall, hand tightly around my neck. hes saying something, but i cant hear him over my fear. he turns me around and bends me over. he takes something and beats my ass repeatedly. he turns me back around and forces my hand down his pants. he asks me something, but again im not listening. i ask him to stop. and he gets angry. i tell him i dont want him in my life, and i will never call him "master" again. i get angry, as does he. the next thing i know, im dizzy being pulled over his shoulder up the stairs to his room. i remember the walls painted red. and soon his sheets were to be red as well.i wasnt completely aware. eventually i came-to, and im laying flat on my back, legs spread apart, clothes nowhere to be found. there he is, on top of me. i scream, and he says, "Good girl. Scream for me, bitch."

i close my eyes tight but its not enough to put me back out. so i just wait. he finishes, and i run to the bathroom to cry. i sit in the bathtub, water running, scrubbing until my skin is red. still not clean enough.

i dont tell anyone about this for about a year. a year full of trying to find something else. a year of my wrists screaming for more. metal and skin. drugs and booze, whatever. i had nobody. i gave up fear, and did whatever for whoever to get whatever. i finally gave that up, too. the only thing i was addicted to, sadly, was cutting. and still to this day fight that after many suicide attempts and many hospitals and such.i still try to quit, and still fall back. but im making progress.

i meet this guy. Casey. and it was finally love again. i ended up telling him what had happened after we had been together for a while. March 2010, i told him. the next day, cops showed up at school to question me. I called Casey crying telling him I hate him. he tried to tell me it wasnt him, but i hadnt told anyone else. The cops questioned me and i fucking hated it. and of course by law they had to call my father. i gave up on being mad at casey. but when i get home that day, dads already there. and hes..angry.

i leave the house and casey gets me. he wouldnt know that still to this day i cant understand why he lied. even that we're broken up after almost a year, even now that he tried to ruin whatever happiness i found away from him and took so many of my friends, even now after all the shit he did to me and now hates me, he still wont admit it was him.

next,
dads getting remarried to a woman who cant stand me, and that feelings mutual. they get married of course august 14th 2010. i have to go stay with my friend Melissa for a week because they run off to Vegas.
by now, i dont care much for my dad anymore after everything hes done, and i dont even live with Jordan anymore, even though we do get along now.

still to this day they show how much they hate me. putting me down and such hurtful worse and murdering any confidence i had. i wonder if they even care ive starved myself or i cut myself and i hate everything about myself and they are part of that reason.
I get blamed for a divorce that hasnt even happened. trust me, the minute i turn 18, im gone.

but...
i guess thats whats written in my story so far. after the wedding, i honestly thought my story was over. but its just another chapter.

if you actually took the time to read these, please tell me. maybe spending an hour of typing and tears could've inspired someone or something is a nice thought.

with love.
-rachelleeashlee</3.

Holocaust poem / photography project from last year.

This is a project I had to do for E.C in my English class last year. I had to have an original poem and pictures all taken by me in my little town of Moorpark, CA. The only thing that really bothers me about how this came out is on the picture for the line "Burning Synagogues" , you can see in the reflection of the door my stupid broken leg >.<.While taking the pictures where I'm laying down on the railroad tracks, I was on krutches at the time. And just my luck, the bells started to ring. I panicked, unable to get up. My boyfriend (now ex..:/) had to carry me off. But, anyways,  I guess it came out pretty well, considering I got full credit that raised my C+ to a A- :D haha. Enjoy!

Worried.

I have to admit.

I can’t believe

You’re my hearts bandit.

I want, but will I achieve?

I have these dreams,

I worry that they’re lies.

But then I see the beams

Streaming bright from your eyes.

I keep strong,

I look towards the light.

I feel like this isn’t wrong.

I know that this is right.

I will not give up war,

This is worth it.

This is worth fighting for.

You’re worth every hit.

I’m not ashamed to tell you

I am afraid.

But if what I believe is true,

This path will be made.

-rachelleeashlee.<3

September 4th, 2010.

i still remember that day, exactly 3 years now. Too chicken to see her, too stupid to say goodbye. sitting there against the wall, i just wanted to leave. Selfish. i should've known. now it's 3 years too late, and im the only one with the memories.

-rachelleeashlee<3.

Dripping Red.

Red dye spits from the bottle.
i wanted to see where this was going
but i hit the gas peddle-full throttle
because things started throwing.

the red drip-drips.
i found out about her,
i figured out your "weekend trips"
now im nothing, like a single feather.

the color starts to spread.
i never thought you'd be the guy who cheats.
now i sleep alone in this bed
while thinking of you under her sheets.

eventually its all pure red.
the bottle gets lighter,
soon enough, i'll be dead.
and this house will be quieter.

-rachelleeashlee<3.

My mind threw up on paper thinking of mommy.

i dream of wide open spaces. i dream of rain clouds and lightening bolts just as summer ends so the roses are still in beautiful bloom. i dream lying next to you, in dream and in truth. i dream of happiness- real happiness. not masked happiness where you see my smile, but if you could see through the windows in my eyes, youd see the blood and tears.

grassy hill-like the ones we used to lay on in elementary school. and we'd talk about what's happening next. where are we going? where are our parents taking us?

i wear this ring to remember you- though i cannot forget. i never will. im so cold with my short hair now. do you remember when you lost your hair from the chemo, and we'd lay on the carpet at the house with the tops of our heads touching- my hair covering your bare head? why can't we be doing that now? they could've buried us like that. is it too late?

-rachelleeashlee<3.

[i] wi[l]l get [ove]r [you.]

Anger filling my cold, broken heart. Everything I once held dear, I count it all as last. Breaths getting lighter every day. I'm tired. I'm broken. a withered soul- lost somewhere out there. Patience wearing thin, in sorry im not who I was born to be. Creativity and passion are gone. A once love can break a girl forever. Now I know all those "I love you's" were lies....

-rachelleeashlee<3.

picture this.

picture me kneeling
a tear falls from my lash.
why can't you understand what i'm feeling?
all i am now to you is trash.

black and red is the paint
the only colors i use on this picture.
too much red makes me faint
somethings wrong with my psychological mixture.

my skin splits open
the blades following tail.
bleeding like the ink in a leaking pen,
but, just like before, im sure to fail.

maybe i'll see the light.
can it be time?
i give up the fight.
but, is suicide really a crime?

-rachelleeashlee<3.

I gave in.

That's where we stood.

Watching the skyline drift between colors.

We'd stay as long as we could,

Just to be away from all the others.

From the lightest shade of blue,

to the darkest dark,

We have changed, too.

But at that place, we forever made our mark.

More than 6 months strong,

But you took down the frame.

There I was wrong,

It was me who took the blame.

Just like before,

over and over again,

You came back for more,

and, of course, I gave in.

You repeatedly tell me the worst thing,

I cry so much when you yell.

And even though you showed me that ring,

I'll probably still see you in hell.

-rachelleeashlee.<3

Made Wrong.

You've changed me.

Lying on the floor,

i'm who I never wanted to be.

Because you walked out that door.

My love has become hate,

and if you wanted me back,

it's far too late;

and I'm just another think you lack.

I don't wish wrong,

but I don't wish well.

I'll soon be gone,

I'll be waiting for you in hell.

Revenge is what I want to get,

And though I do have the means, 

You can't wear an ankle bracelet

with skinny jeans.

-rachelleeashlee.<3

Saving Myself.

See, I  was right.

I knew you'd be back,

I'm waiting for that 1st fight.

and i'm leaving before my bones crack.

i'm tired of your sass,

your stupid fucking lies.

i'm done with breaking glass,

whatevers left is for the flies.

I can't live this way.

this torture-it's hell.

So i'll fly away,

and I don't wish you well.

-rachelleeashlee.<3

Hope.

Imagine crying

the way that I did

and hiding

the places that I hid.

try to walk a mile

in my shoes

yet i managed to smile

as i thought of which choice to choose.
*after i moved on from the booze.*

death, rape, and drugs,

nothing can compare

to the simplicity of hugs,

even though loving ones are rare.

through it all,

i tried to keep hope,

i stayed standing tall,

i refused to mope.

someday i'll be a shining star.

my name will be bright.

they'll know i've come far,

and finally i'll see the light.

-rachelleashlee.<3

*original line.*

Voices.

I hear voices in the night.

I see shadows in the mirror.

Waiting for the light

to make things clearer.

i'm fucking screaming!

can't you hear me?

nobody understands how i'm feeling.

why can't i be set free?

fear is the heart of love,

so i hid away.

calling for angels above,

to make things be okay.
*hoping it'll be today.*

walking on the tracks,

i hear the train and i cry.

slipping on the cracks,

i fall to my knees and hope to fly.

*i fall to my knees and wait to die.*

-rachelleeashlee.<3

*the original lines i thought of*