Update.

Hey-o.
It, indeed, has been a long time. My apologies. I was in Reno for a while, and then my grandma died, then school started, now school, sucky.
Singing a lot more now though, and acting. I'll be doing lots of shows this year. Including singing on my birthday. Ha.
But; I'm at 180 days.!
I did do one thing stupid, but I didn't cut. So, 180 days.
It's odd that I don't exactly know what else to say. I'm exhausted. Just finished one singing audition today, tomorrow have two acting auditions and a choir performance. And trying to maintain all A's and B's. Right on:/
yeah..
-rachelleeashlee<3.

Update!

Hiah! It's been a while. Poems soon to come, I promise.
But; 93 days cut free! Holy cheese, right??
101 is my record. Almost to beat it! And I'm happy as well.
Summer<3
Uhm not much to say. Soo... poems soon. Haha[:
With love,
-rachelleeashlee<3.

And now another update.

Alrighty. It's been a few weeks. Let's see....

School: sucks and barely passing. (Barely as in.. passing for high school diploma not college and by like 3%.)
Home: what's new:/ same old same old. Dad and step mom are sick (not a cold. Like, could be bad.) and they almost got divorced and i dont know anymore its just ugh.
Moving on.
At the moment I am cut-free 37 days!
But it's really hard (at least i'm trying, right?)
I had a little drug overdose over spring break a week and a half ago.
I thought I was dead at one point.
Woot..
I have a show next week, singing yay!
Uhm. I don't really know everythings pretty static same old messed up sucky life.
Oh, mothers' day is tough, went to the cemetery to see momma today.
6 feets of dirt and rocks between us though.
Updates and such to be done again soon.
<3xoxo.

Free verse: Mommy.

You are strong to leave us.

You are strong to fight.

You made me believe,

You gave me courage.

To live a life without you

is the hardest thing I'll ever have to do.

My angel above,

My saving grace,

Living for your name.

I love you

forever and a day,

my mommy.

A Haiku

Wisdom on the streets,

"i don't want coins, i want change,"

his cardboard sign reads.

-rachelleeashlee<3.

A Cinquain poem.

Peanut Butter.

Rich, Creamy,

Soothing, Calming, Relaxing.

Gluing together broken hearts.

My comfort food.

-rachelleeashlee<3.

Health class assignment- I Am Alcohol poem

I Am Alcohol

I am a killer.

I am the smell on your fathers breath.

I am the poison screwing with your liver.

I am a cause of death.

I am whispering temptation.

I am effecting more than a few.

I am why you're on probabtion.

I am the headlights racing toward you.

I am the screaching of the tires.

I am why your car's on fire.

I am your end, afterall

I am alcohol.

-rachelleeashlee<3.

I'm going to start adding some of my photography to here. I'm not professional at all.

Pretty Colored Pencils.

Towels.

Colored Pencils.

Love.

This is on a metal replica of the Eiffel Towel that's hanging in my bathroom.

I absolutely love the randomness of this. <3

Heart Mirror.

I thought this was neat, it's just holding up a lens attachment to the lights in my room.

Hearts hang alone.

Playing with shadows.

Keyboard. <3 And that cord is a microphone cord.

Pipe cleaners.

Prettier pipe cleaners.

my iTouch broke the day I got my iPhone4.

Striped Chinese take out box.

Straw fedora from Jason Mraz concert the Hollywood Bowl.<3

Scarf.

Update as of 3-20-11.

Whats going on.
Uhm.
I didn't cut 100 days.
(NEW RECORD! woot.)
Then, of course, me and my dad got into it again and I ended up doing it.
Shit was already tough because me and this guy become not close anymore and I lost my best friend and yeah.
So I did it once and it was kinda bad.
and The next day in P.E. we were doing pull ups testing.
Apparently, your wrists have to be facing out. -______-
I was unaware.
But my teacher saw and told the school.
I got called in the couselors office 3 times until a week later the bitch called my dad.
I'm currently on suicide watch.
If I do anything more, or anything alarming, then I go back to Vista Del Mar.
And my grades are sucking, and nobody friggin understands me.
Woop.
-_____-
FMLx10.

:/ ugh.
Lord, save my soul.

-(TheOne&Only)rachelleeashlee</3.

Love Knows.

I will not be
just another notch on your belt.
because, 'sweetie,'
it's love that I felt.

You say that you're a flirt.
But I know
you won't just kick me into the dirt.
Together, our hearts can grow.

I tried to runaway
but I found out
that my heart wants me to stay.
So your name, I again shout.

-rachelleeashlee<3.

BrainJuice: Someday.

Draw me a skyline, and take me all the way.

Color me a rainbow, and help me make it fly.

Buy me a white dress, and make me feel like im the only girl in the room.

Show me what love is, then help me keep it around.

Make me a gum wrapper heart, and put it in my pocket each day.

Sketch me happiness, and fill in the lines.

Build me a home, and keep me safe inside.

Design me my love, and let’s create that together.

I will have a happy ending someday, I just have to find him first.

-rachelleeashlee<3.

Dearest Depression

Dearest Depression,
you no longer hold me down.
Bound in your chains I am not.
Finally smiling over frowning,
A reward for as long as I have fought.

Dearest Depression,
Twelve weeks cut free,
a new addition to my story.
But something new for me;
a chapter of glory!

Dearest Depression,
I thank you,
for making me who I am now.
Though I've made it through,
I'm still a little scared somehow.

But I have the strength to fight through anything, now.

-rachelleeashlee<3.

Fake.

I show my fake
ugly little smile.
But my hands shake
fearful, like they have for a while.

I mask what I'm feeling
to please my peers.
But loss of my well-being
is one of my greatest fears.

I wish I had something
to be proud of for myself.
But I've got nothing
besides some paintings on the shelf.

I feel like a passer by
you see me and thats all.
But maybe more than just, "Hi"
could make my awful mask fall.


-rachelleeashlee<3.

--BTW. Ten weeks and Four days cut free.--

Why can't I stop?

Once again

Broken hearts beating fast.

I feel insane

for letting this last.

You don't love me.

But I love you.

I should set myself free,

because none of this is true.

I'd give you it all
over and over
But I know i'll fall.
Yet I still want to be your lover.

Just one more kiss.
I'm setting myself up,
and i know this.
So, why can't I stop?

(..I worry for my wrists.)

-rachelleeashlee<3.

Love or Lust

Broken hearts beating fast,

Our bodies pressed together.

Hoping this moment will last,

Knowing this could end forever.

Clothes stripping, 

Heat rising.

Sheets flipping,

Love disguising.

My heart is in this,

but only mine,

and not his.

at least, he doesn't show a sign.

 I want to ask you

if it could be

that you love me, too.

'Baby, Do you love me?'

-rachelleeashlee<3.

Ventventvent.

I don't even have the patience to attempt a poem right now. But I need to write it out.

There was another fight in my house. and its ruined so much. i cant handle it. this is worse than when we pretended we were a family for our sanitys sake. nobodys talking to anybody now. i dont leave my room. i dont think dad and step mom are sleeping in the same room.
i hate her, yes, but this still fucking sucks!!!!! i want to scream. im barely hanging on to this 7 weeks 2 days. idk what to say because my mind is so fucking jumbled and i dont even know im just screaming and cussing and this is stupid fucking NONSENSE.

A Little Girl.

A little girl
once lived by me.
Each hair a curl,
pink dress flowing free.

I watched her grow up
as far back as my memory goes.
Then her world went corrupt,
and her life was no longer what her mother chose.

Her life went wrong,
and she fell down.
Each day was too long,
and all we ever saw was her frown.

Until the day
she closed her tired eyes,
her soul went astray,
and silenced were her cries.

One last breath to take,
And the shot is suicide.
The final decision is hers to make.
Lifeless she falls at her bedside.

The wind blows,
and she's finally free.
What nobody knows,
is that girl was me.

-rachelleeashlee<3.

Fighting this Addiction.

A craving for blood

seeking some sort of high?

a sweet red flood

relief shown with a sigh.

An addiction

a forbidden want.

Too many scars

only seem to taunt.

Into remission,

fearing relapse.

I can't fall back to tradition,

no more lines like little red roads on maps.

Falling asleep,

or into my past?

-rachelleeashlee<3.

*K, I know this is kinda crap. This is just what happened when I started typing with tears in my eyes and nobody to talk to. As of right now, I have not actually cut for 5 weeks 5 days. I've come close, but I still haven't. And this itself is its own chapter in my lifes story. 

Not a poem. More like.. venting(complaining/bitching more?)

I don't have the patience nor the ability to write a fucking poem right now. I'm stressed. and I feel like its insanity.
Cant people learn to leave me alone sometimes? Yeah, so Im alone a lot outside of school. So? Most people dont even fucking know that. I want loving people around me to love me, and I dont want to be annoyed and drooled over. People call me an attention whore because Im loud and yes I love being in the spotlight and I love talking and singing and such in front of people. Maybe I am an attention whore, whats it to ya? I like a certain kind of attention at certain times. and dont constantly bug me of whats wrong, when i say i dont want to talk about it i mean that. SO many people dont understand what "I dont want to talk about it." means.
Alright, so now it has been 5 weeks 4 days since i last cut. my wrists are clean. but i honestly dont know how long i can keep this up. im starting to think more and more about it, and i dont know if this is worth it. maybe my burdens are already built up to too much. all thats on my shoulders is sky high. and these scars scream at me like children searching for their mommys. am i just searching for my mommy? am i not actually trying to get off this shit hole planet for the sake of selfishness but literally to see my mommy again? or do i really crave the sight of bloody tear drops and skin screaming pain?
and now i dont know what to say anymore. ugh.

Update.

I've been suffering from writers block. :/.
I started to write a poem when I was on the airplane come back from my aunts in Reno.
Didn't finish it.
Now i'm really busy with my Musical Show Production show that's next week. and a lot of other things going on.
I'm stressed and not doing as well as it looks like.
kthanksbye.