My life.

Because, More than likely nobody will read this because none of my "friends" even know I have this(in a way, i like it like that.), and writing it out for the first time in a while may help, and also because I can't sleep due to the shit-bomb in my mind, This is my story. pardon my grammar and such. I get lazy.

Mommy, I love you. "Forever && a day."


I was born into a family of my brother, Jordan, who is 6 years older than me, My father, and my beautiful mommy, 2 dogs, German shepards; Buddy and Chopper, and a stupid 20 year old cat named Spatz. Before I was born, momma miscarried 7 times. i was.."miracle" baby. momma was often having surgery and such for she had therasic outlet syndrome and carpool tunnel and such. i guess they were angry a lot, because i do have scars from my parents. and i remember the bruises i recieved. maybe i just wasnt a good kid. i grew to really dislike the beatings, and i was a timid child. i started singing the moment i could talk, and it made momma proud, and i also loved it. my life didnt change much until i was about 8. thats really when my story begins.

My story begins at 8 years of age. When momma was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. i remember that night momma and father sitting by my bed reading me a bedtime story.. "Our Mommy Has Cancer." in the end of the book, the sisters mommy was cured, and it was the typical happy ending. i was young, i thought story-book happy endings actually happened. i know better now.

momma had a double mastectomy, but it turned out the cancer had spread to her chest wall. so they removed 40% of her chest wall. after many months of treatments, she went into remission. I was so excited! i thought this would last. 42 days later, she relapsed. and it was worse than before.

I remember seeing momma in the hospital more than at home, looking back. I was about 10 when dad told us it was incurable. I was terrified.

all they could do was continue treatments. Chemo, radiation, gamma knife, all that fun stuff. i went to every doctors, even if it meant missing school. i wouldnt leave mommys side. then, one day at one of her chemo treatments, she was sharing a room with this guy who was about a year and a half older than me. His name was Travis. and he had leukemia. but, we fell in love. first love, young love..true love. he was the sweetest guy ever. he was perfect. and he made me feel that i was perfect as well.

but of course, just as realities go, along with no happy endings, something will always go wring with a prince charming. a year and a half into our relationship, Travis lost his battle to cancer. My boyfriend, my love, my whole heart had just left the planet. it shook something inside me, and i knew mommy was sure to follow. (This is the part where i start crying as i type this.)

momma did seem to only get worse and worse after the burial of Travis. and so i did everything i could to be with her as much as possible. i literally went one whole week straight sleepless just sitting by the hospital bed downstairs at the house holding her cold, barely alive hands.

dad was hardly ever home. if he was, i was usually the one he took his rage out on. and Jordan had hit his rebellious stage. i felt like i was the only one that hadn't left her. i gave her all her meds, and everything else.

around this time, we had to put Chopper to sleep. more heartache.

September 2nd, 2007.
momma the worst i'd seen her. the oxygen machine wasn't helping, nothing was. i had to call 911. i still remember standing on top of the stairs watching them pull her out, and with the little life she had left in her, wave goodbye to me. i also remember chasing the ambulance halfway down the street.

i was starting 6th grade, so i went to school the next day. that night, we went to see momma in the hospital. we weren't alone, my dads family and some of my moms friends were also there. mom was on life support and all that. and i was scared. so, i didnt go in the hospital room. (this is the biggest regret i have. and i only have 2 regrets in my life.) i was too fucking chicken to just go in the damn room. i remember sitting in the hallway across from the room at the hospital, looking in the room. i couldnt see her, but i could see the family and friends. of course, my strong momma was still making everybody else laugh, even in her position.

september 4th, 2007.
6th grade had started. it was a tuesday, and i had English first period. i remember i was writing down my homework in my agenda book, and i froze. i spaced out at the paper in front of me.i swear to God, i heard a whisper in my head, "Goodbye, I Love You." and i started to shake, but i tried to stay calm. i hear my name being called from the front of the room. it was my teacher, Mrs. Guyett, "Rachelle? You're being checked out. Here's you're worksheet. Get your stuff and go to the office." I looked over at my friend Miranda as i closed my agenda book. she gave me a look like.. whats going on? i just gave her kind of a sad look, and she knew just as well as i did what was going on. i didnt want to be sure yet, though.

i get to the front office and Jordan is standing there with my auntie Char.. i get in her car, and i felt it. she was being nicer than usual, and i could feel in her voice she was holding in tears. I was in the back seat on the passangers side. and my phone buzzed. i looked at it, it was my auntie Chris, "Are you home yet? You okay, love?" i replied, "What's going on?" she told me to call her after i talked to dad. finally at home, and dads waiting inside the front door. he took my phone and my backpack, and said, "There's no easy way to say this. You're mother... Dixie... passed away this morning." Right as i busted out crying, through his weak, wobbley voice, i heard, "I'm so sorry." i wanted to run, God how i just wanted to run as far as i possibly could. but i fell  onto auntie Chars shoulder. and i felt terrible. we were all crying, except Jordan, which I will never undertstand.

about half an hour later, I got a call from Miranda and a bunch of my other friends were listening in on the call. She asked what happened, and I couldn't say it. I tried to imply it, but they didn't get it. i busted out, "She's gone, okay?! My mother just fucking DIED." everybody in the room just stared at me, and i felt as if i over-dramatized it. i ran to my room. but not long later, so many of our closest friends and family who had done fundraisers and everything for us came over to comfort us. and it made me feel better. like i wasnt alone.

my mom was always the one to make people laugh through their tears. one of our good friends, Justin, had gone outside because he got a phone call. he closed the front door, and nobody had touched it. the door was unlocked, but it wouldnt open. i heard commotion from my room, so i went to the stairs to look. none of the doors would open, even though they were unlocked.we all knew it was momma. and so we laughed.

my dad gave me and Jordan the option to stay home from school the rest of the week or not. i wanted to be strong and go. Jordan stayed home. that night, i felt uncomfortable alone in my room. so i went to sleep with dad. we talked and told stories until about 2am.he had been a smoker for years. and he got up for a cigarette, and said "I promise, this weekend I'm quitting." I was hopeful.

school was obviously hard, but the funeral two days later was the worst. at the ceremony, people went up and told their stories and such. i didnt hear a word. i was concentrated on the casket at the front of the room. staring.. i couldn't believe momma was in that wooden box. i hated it. but i didnt cry then. outside, at the burial  site at Mount Sinai cemetery, she had the perfect, most beautiful spot. when i put the first three shovels of dirt in the 6 foot hole is when i began to cry. i put two shovels in and i stopped, i looked around, and saw over 400 people standing around me. i couldnt believe how many lives my mommy had touched. and so i put the third shovel in with honor and pride of being her daughter.

after that, Jordan had started his coping method with drugs. so he was in and out of jail. and dad wasnt around much. i pretty much lived with my friend Amanda. i had heard that my dad might have been cheating on my mom, and dad also hadnt kept his promise, so nows about when the hate towards him came back.

around now is when we had to put Buddy to sleep.</3.

i had to find some way to cope, too, of course. i ended up turning to men, i believe because every love and every guy in my life so far proved to me that with every Hello comes a Goodbye. (now is about the time i start to feel uncomfortable with my words, because its fairly new to me to speak of what comes soon.)

i met this one guy, whos name i will not say. but, he told me he could make everything all better again, as long as i did what he said. i was stupid enough to believe it. he started making me send him stuff and do things for him. he threatened me and blackmailed me and abused me. finally after months of this, i told one friend. this friend knew him. so she called him and told him if he doesnt stop she will call the cops on him and she will press charges. so he stopped.. for about a month.of course he came back to me when he knew i needed someone. he started pressuring me to go see him again. eventually i gave in.

i go to his house. and he kissed me. softly at first, but getting more violent. then he starts to use his hands. he pushes me against the wall, hand tightly around my neck. hes saying something, but i cant hear him over my fear. he turns me around and bends me over. he takes something and beats my ass repeatedly. he turns me back around and forces my hand down his pants. he asks me something, but again im not listening. i ask him to stop. and he gets angry. i tell him i dont want him in my life, and i will never call him "master" again. i get angry, as does he. the next thing i know, im dizzy being pulled over his shoulder up the stairs to his room. i remember the walls painted red. and soon his sheets were to be red as well.i wasnt completely aware. eventually i came-to, and im laying flat on my back, legs spread apart, clothes nowhere to be found. there he is, on top of me. i scream, and he says, "Good girl. Scream for me, bitch."

i close my eyes tight but its not enough to put me back out. so i just wait. he finishes, and i run to the bathroom to cry. i sit in the bathtub, water running, scrubbing until my skin is red. still not clean enough.

i dont tell anyone about this for about a year. a year full of trying to find something else. a year of my wrists screaming for more. metal and skin. drugs and booze, whatever. i had nobody. i gave up fear, and did whatever for whoever to get whatever. i finally gave that up, too. the only thing i was addicted to, sadly, was cutting. and still to this day fight that after many suicide attempts and many hospitals and such.i still try to quit, and still fall back. but im making progress.

i meet this guy. Casey. and it was finally love again. i ended up telling him what had happened after we had been together for a while. March 2010, i told him. the next day, cops showed up at school to question me. I called Casey crying telling him I hate him. he tried to tell me it wasnt him, but i hadnt told anyone else. The cops questioned me and i fucking hated it. and of course by law they had to call my father. i gave up on being mad at casey. but when i get home that day, dads already there. and hes..angry.

i leave the house and casey gets me. he wouldnt know that still to this day i cant understand why he lied. even that we're broken up after almost a year, even now that he tried to ruin whatever happiness i found away from him and took so many of my friends, even now after all the shit he did to me and now hates me, he still wont admit it was him.

next,
dads getting remarried to a woman who cant stand me, and that feelings mutual. they get married of course august 14th 2010. i have to go stay with my friend Melissa for a week because they run off to Vegas.
by now, i dont care much for my dad anymore after everything hes done, and i dont even live with Jordan anymore, even though we do get along now.

still to this day they show how much they hate me. putting me down and such hurtful worse and murdering any confidence i had. i wonder if they even care ive starved myself or i cut myself and i hate everything about myself and they are part of that reason.
I get blamed for a divorce that hasnt even happened. trust me, the minute i turn 18, im gone.

but...
i guess thats whats written in my story so far. after the wedding, i honestly thought my story was over. but its just another chapter.

if you actually took the time to read these, please tell me. maybe spending an hour of typing and tears could've inspired someone or something is a nice thought.

with love.
-rachelleeashlee</3.