I don't have the patience nor the ability to write a fucking poem right now. I'm stressed. and I feel like its insanity.
Cant people learn to leave me alone sometimes? Yeah, so Im alone a lot outside of school. So? Most people dont even fucking know that. I want loving people around me to love me, and I dont want to be annoyed and drooled over. People call me an attention whore because Im loud and yes I love being in the spotlight and I love talking and singing and such in front of people. Maybe I am an attention whore, whats it to ya? I like a certain kind of attention at certain times. and dont constantly bug me of whats wrong, when i say i dont want to talk about it i mean that. SO many people dont understand what "I dont want to talk about it." means.
Alright, so now it has been 5 weeks 4 days since i last cut. my wrists are clean. but i honestly dont know how long i can keep this up. im starting to think more and more about it, and i dont know if this is worth it. maybe my burdens are already built up to too much. all thats on my shoulders is sky high. and these scars scream at me like children searching for their mommys. am i just searching for my mommy? am i not actually trying to get off this shit hole planet for the sake of selfishness but literally to see my mommy again? or do i really crave the sight of bloody tear drops and skin screaming pain?
and now i dont know what to say anymore. ugh.
Don't you dare!! I look forward to reading your poems and expect to be doing so for a long time!
ReplyDeleteI speak from experience on what you are saying and it is NOT what you want to do. You have a place in this world and a value. To hell with people who are giving you grief. The world is a better place with you in it!
So, if it IS that bad or it GETS that bad, reach out to a Help Line or whoever that one person is that you can really talk to. If there is no one, than write me a really, really long note. Just don't leave the world. It would be a lesser place without you in it.
Thank you. And, I might just write you that really, really long note.
ReplyDeleteThat would be fine ... anytime.
ReplyDeleteafter this weekend, on monday we are having lunch together. not an invitation, a request. and maybe you dont wanna talk about it, but actually rachelle, i think you do. its the lack of listening that you seem to recieve. if that sounded cold or bitchy, im really sorry, i didnt mean for it to come out like that. i just love you so much, i dont think you realize how much you truly mean to me, and so many people. i really need to talk to you at lunch on monday, only so much can be said on a comment. PLEASE! I LOVE YOU<3
ReplyDeleteAlright Andrew<3
ReplyDelete